We find inspiration in the strangest of places. This time my inspiration came from Operation Hard-To-Get. For those who aren't familiar with my ex and I, we are basically playing the "we're still friends, but we still have more than friends feels toward each other." You know, the emotions that complicate life. I decided that I was going to simply not call or text him unless he makes the first move by contacting me first. I suppose my whole reason for this "operation" was to see how he'll react when the initiator of communication lands on his shoulders. Also to see what'd happen to me without having that constant communication there.
"It's been three days now" He is the type of guy that doesn't chase girls. He's too much like myself. When someone doesn't call or text me, I figure it's because they don't want to and I don't worry over it. The thing is, there are times when I want to text or call him, but I don't. He hasn't attempted to text or call me (that I know of) in the last three days. Now according to my logic that only means one thing: he doesn't want to talk to me or has no preference. Both of which, depending on how you look at it, aren't very good things.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt. I'd make excuses for him. "Well, he does work maybe he's busy." "Maybe he just doesn't have time." These are excuses I'd make for him when I attempted this a few weeks ago. Now, I don't care to make excuses. It doesn't take 20 seconds to text someone "Hay" or "How are you?" or "Haven't heard from you in a while, just checking to see if your still alive." Well that last one may take a little longer than 20 seconds. The thing is, it's not in Jordan's character to do that. Rarely does he text a girl first, with an exception to his girlfriend. He texts me first sometimes but that probably just because I'm his ex and he still has some resemblance of his feelings for me. You know, it doesn't really bother me that he doesn't take that 20 seconds to see if I'm alive.
Honestly, it's not bothering me as much as I make it seem. It actually feels good to go a few days without talking and know that I can pick up my phone and not text or call him, the urge may still be there but I don't feel the need to act on it. Sure I'm wondering how long it's going to take him to seek me out, but I'm interested to see what it is that he seeks me out for. If it'll be for his own benefit or just to see if I'm ok or to see if I want to hang with him. I doubtful I the last two but I've been proven wrong before.
You see, the thing is I don't really feel that connected to him any more. He feels like someone that meant so much to me and, for what ever reason, is slowly fading into the back ground. I can't promise anything but one thing that can be assured, I'm not over him--not by a long shot, but I'm getting there.
Until I'm able to move on,
___________________
P.S.
I've noticed a fatal flaw. I've noticed that too often females equate their own happiness with guys. If a girl is single she has to be looking for a guy or if a girl has a boyfriend the assumption is that she is happy. Of course the media and our society as a whole is responsible for putting this crazy ass notation in our heads that we can't be happy without a man. The truth is, true lasting happiness comes from within. Not from having a boyfriend or someone to call yours. I've found that having a guy can't make you happy if you aren't happy with who you are first.
One more thing... Women also have a tendency to base their beauty on what men think of them. Women should stop letting everyone else around us define beauty for us and define for ourselves. Of course like love, beauty is different for everyone so it will vary and come in all shapes and forms. I'm proud to say that I'm defining my own beauty, but that's a whole other blog.
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