Hanging High

Conceit. I'm watching myself. Sometimes I like what I see other times it's a different story. I've noticed myself do and say things that seem as though I am the most confident person in the world. So much so that, while watching myself, I almost start to believe it. Why? I ask myself, why do I do this? It seems as though I put on this facade because I want someone to notice and agree so that maybe I'm not just lying to myself.
Am I pretty? Really? You agree? Then why don't you love me? Sometimes I feel a bit lost. My mind goes blank because there are too many things flying through my mind. It's like a blizzard or a static television screen. I want it. I want a relationship, a real one. I'm not ashamed to admit that sometimes I get lonely. It's comforting to know that there is someone else out there that knows me on a level that I can only share with them. That they are familiar with a part of me that is foreign to everyone else. I want to give that to someone, I really do.
It hurts, please, make it stop. I'm afraid to give it away. It'll make me vulnerable and open to everything I'd hope I'd left behind.

Who am I? Evolutions.

[?-?-2006]
I'm from the dark side of the moon
From hardships and easy goings
From sunshine and rain
I am from fried chicken and macaroni

I am from the 70's, 80s, and the 90s
I am from Queen, Falloutboy, and AFI
From my room where I live in books
From posters and TV
I'm from home

I am laughs and cries
From helping and helped
From karaoke and gamecube where I
visit bikini bottom to the racing streets of Tokyo
From wondering about the universe and getting distracted
by shiny things
I am ME.

[7-8-2007]
I am from late nights
filled with music
I am from song lyrics
I am from random
sayings and facts
from converse and hats
I am as dark as the onyx
I wear on my finger
I'm from anime
and cooky weird friends
I am from starlit skies
I am from different walks
of life
From my experiences and observations
I m the chick that nobody
knows, yet
I am an open book
I am from contradictions
and reassurance
I am the happiness bunny
I am the gray slate
filled with colorful dots
I am from the ankh
I am the symbol of life


[7-14-2008]
I am from deviance with an angelic smile
I'm from penny candy and crossed fingers
From musical notes and "All you need is love"
I am untamed happiness and emotions
I am from hypocrisy and judgments
I am not ashamed of who I am
or what I've become.
I am the smile that glitters eternally
and tears of fallen rhinestones
I am from friends in high and low places
I am everything I want, but less than I need
I am one giant song, loud and silent
I am from riding in the passenger seat
whatever it is you want me to be
I am taking control of my life
I am holding the wheel without a license

[11-28-2009]
I am the flower of heart break, almost fully bloomed.
I am the death of innocence, and the rebirth of youth
I'm astounded by the sheer irony of :] and ]:
I am amazed by simplicity, a concept I have yet to grasp.
I am unwilling responsible and irritably "adult-ish"
I am the A's, B's, and one or two C's of my college career.
I'm a tension headache of tears and half smoked black n milds
I'm beautifully beautiful, yet ugly to the extreme
I am a nice person at heart, really.
I am the uneven notes that plague WTF?
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me.
I wake up exhausted, tired, confident.
I am unwillingly finding myself.

Take This to Heart

It still hurts.
It feels as if my heart is a pot that is boiling over and the words that come wave after wave seem to disappear when they hit the shores of my mind. The thought of the loose ends that must be cut makes me feel like a violin with too many broken strings. Beautiful, yet not completely useful. I've held my composer and stood like a solider, but my heart is becoming weary.

I must continue on in the absence of you.
I'm sorry.

Writing a Cult

I had something write when I opened this blog, now I feel like it's alluded me.

[He acts a bit weird sometimes when it's just he and I; like he'll get really quiet for a while and then pull me into this really tight hug (like he doesn't want me to go hug).] Maybe the truth to this statement is that I don't want him to let me go. It's a mixture of emotions. My initial reaction to these hugs are ones of surprise, I'm never sure what to do but to hug him back.

[They have a drink called Anne Rice that I can't wait to get because, just like her books, I'll probably never finish it.] So there's this cafe that I've been itching to go to, but the only thing that's stopping me is myself. Honestly I don't think I'm cool enough to go there just yet, it doesn't feel right. Right now I'm not where I want to be, I'm not who I want to be just yet. I want to go there the new and improved Tyka, with 2 piercing, and really cool looking scarves. Before you know it I'll be smoking Marlboro 27’s on occasion. I'll have cool friends who know things, and we can share our knowledge. All of a sudden my random bits of information won't be useless. They'll be life changing. Before I know it people will be reading my blogs, and I'd go there to write them.

I'll meet a really nice guy there. He'll be tall and wear glasses. He'll be sweet and enjoy nice conversations; he'll love my hair. We'll sit and talk about things like our favorite authors and what we enjoy doing when we aren't beating dead horses. We'd swap music libraries and be amazed at how similar our music tastes are. One day he'll buy me an Ernest Hemmingway. I'll come on poetry night and he'll get on stage for the first time. Shaking and nervous he'll rattle off three simple lines:

Her curls make me smile,
Her lush lips make me quiver,
Her eyes set in mine.

I'll clap, as everyone else snaps. One day, he'll come and pick me up from school and he'll meet my ex. Hand around my waist, he'll smile and be kind, and kiss my forehead letting him know "she's mine". We'd walk away, hand and hand. His insecurities will mirror my own; we’ll both suffer from an inner love hate relationship. He’ll know just what to say at all the wrong times, and occasion get it right. We’ll forget promises we made to each other, but remember everything insignificant. His timing will be just as horrible as mine, and together we’ll laugh too soon and every once in a while five minutes late.

Together we can walk like slackers with a place to go, yet no where we really need to be. I’ll have a small green dinosaur on my wrist; he’ll have one on his waist just above the hip bone, because that’s my favorite spot. We’d hang out on campus and together make our through all the fruit smoothies on the menu at Robeks. Afterward we’d go back to where it all began. We'll be a match made in heaven.

Hitting the Ground

I've made up my mind, and the decision has been made, however I still find myself lingering in our long ago forgotten love. I remember when we met at my back fence for the first time, I couldn't stop smiling. I remember when you pushed me onto my bed and went to kiss me, I couldn't stop shaking. I remember when you'd have to leave and I'd never want to let you go, I couldn't stop hugging you. I remember when just being near you made me nervous and self conscious, I couldn't stop staring at you. I remember when you asked me if I wanted to go out with you, my heart nearly exploded from joy. I remember when we skipped school for the first time, I couldn't have been happier.
I can't stop loving you.
I can't help but to think of our relationship and analyze it step by step. Trying to find where we could have possibly went wrong. A part of me just can't seem to figure out how something so wonderful could turn into something so different. I have no clue as to how you really feel, I can only speculate and guess. I'm afraid to ask you because I don't think I'll get my answer. I'm not sure how I feel right now. So I'm going to end this.

Things I Want to Accomplish in Life

This is an ever-growing list:
-Becoming Valedictorian
-Attending the university of my choice.
-Study Abroad to Japan, Europe, Maybe China.
-Learn more than 2 languages (Japanese, Chinese, Spanish, Latin)
-Marry the man of my dreams
-Write a best seller (under an alias)
-Wear a kimono
-Attend a traditional tea ceremony
-Cosplay
-I want to grow up and become a beautiful woman.
-I want to be a photographer and go on a journey of pictures.
-Dance the waltz
-Learn to play the piano
-Touch every sea and ocean
-Have a date on the first snow fall in Seoul, Korea while Strolling down Doldam Street
-Adopt a baby(from all seven continents).
-Hit a police officer with a pimp cane
-Make a difference in someones life

Liar Liar...

I never knew just what it was... The sad truth is that we're all liars, every last one of us. You meet people for the first time and while you're talking they'll most likely say "I hate liars, the make me sick." My first thought always is "are you implying that you make yourself sick?" of course they'd never see it that way. We are all liar in the sense that we make so many promises and oaths to one another and then five years later, we might not even still be speaking. That very person that we swore our heart to could be fertilizer for graveyard weeds, and we'd have no clue. Kind of depressing isn't it?

About this old coffee shop... That makes me a liar. I sit here and think of all the promises I've made and knew in my heart that I'd never be able to keep. I told them: I'll always be there for you when you need me. I bet you one of them is probably masturbating to me as I type this. Now I'm not sure about you, but most people would consider them needing me right now, and yet here I am. Then again maybe I'm just wishful thinking, chances are they don't even remember me. All these promises, or rather lies, I knew I would never be able to honor and it didn't bother me as I was saying it to them. After all, that's just what you do. There's only been a few that I've actually truly wanted to keep my promises to. However for what ever circumstances I am unable to, probably because it's physically impossible to keep a promise such as "I'll always be there" because if I die before that person, bam, my promise is broken.

I loved so much... That makes you a liar. I remember when you told me; "I'm afraid of losing you." I remember when I told you; "You won't lose me, I'm afraid of losing you too." I wasn't lying then, and I wouldn't be lying now if I told you that. I'm sure you weren't lying then, but if you said it now, would it be a lie? It pains me to think of the reality of that question. The thing is, humans hate being lied to but we never seem to have much a problem dishing out hypocrisy. Maybe it's the power in telling a lie that draws habitual liars, or rather humans in general, to making such impossible promises. The power of being able to mislead someone, it gives you the power to control that persons thoughts and even actions.

I think it's possible, maybe... "Lies in limbo" these are lies that are the truth when told, but then slowly morph into lies. I suppose in a sense more promises are really just lies in limbo. It could go either way. These, I believe, are the worst. Having something like "I love you" be the truth for maybe five months and then it becoming a lie, is just heartbreaking. The before mentioned "afraid" lie, is in all actuality not a lie, because it could still be the truth. [Then again, I am a wishful thinker]

Until I find further inspiration,

_____________________

Eternally Falling Apart

Remember that first kiss? One thing that I think is so amazing is when you meet someone and all of a sudden you can't stop thinking about them. When you talk to that person on the phone for the very first time, and while the phone is ringing you get this feeling in your stomach like you're going to throw up, but you aren't. When you find yourself talking to that person for hours on end, about everything imaginable, trying to map out the landscape of their mind with questions like: If you died and were reincarnated into an animal, what would you be and why? If you had 24 hours to live what would you do? Do want to get married? What do you want to do with your life? Are you a virgin? If I told you I peed in the shower would you look at me differently? Boxers or Briefs? Have you ever stared at the stars and wondered what the milky way would taste like? If you could give me a super power what would it be and why? What are you thinking about?

Can I... hold your hand? The first time you see that person after that conversation it's like you've never seen them before and you're seeing them for the first time all over again. What's even more amazing is if you still get that feeling, 5 months or 5 years down the road. There's something about falling in love that's so great it almost makes you not want to hit the bottom. How many relationships would still be if everyone just stayed in that falling in love phase? If you always felt that way, it'd be amazing.

You know, that expanding and exploding feeling. The first time you hug that person is like the first time you touch feathers, or silk. It's like water, it's indescribable and nothing else compares to that. The first time you kiss is like a sensory over load, even an experienced kisser is a fifteen year old again, nervous as hell and their lips can't stop shaking. The first time you run your hands down that persons body and you hear that little sigh, is like an orgasm to your ears. Over a trillion cells in your body are screaming for the touch of that person, the mere proximity of them. And the first time you make love... words cannot describe.

Mayday: we've hit rock bottom. Now you're in love, and feelings just seem to run deeper than ever, but then someone messes up. The once beautiful mosaic loses a few pieces and it'll never be the same again. The relationship has changed and as far as we know nothing will ever bring those two people back to the falling stage. The attraction might still be there but the emotions have seen the dark side of love and a bitterness is left in the heart of one or the other. If only love were an infinite word, then you'd never stop falling.

Until I get up,

__________

Stronger in the Absence of You

I was so tempted to change his name to Ignore or Don't Call/Text. I didn't, however, because if I can't even use my phone without feeling the urge to text or call him whenever I see his name, I'm truly lost.

We find inspiration in the strangest of places. This time my inspiration came from Operation Hard-To-Get. For those who aren't familiar with my ex and I, we are basically playing the "we're still friends, but we still have more than friends feels toward each other." You know, the emotions that complicate life. I decided that I was going to simply not call or text him unless he makes the first move by contacting me first. I suppose my whole reason for this "operation" was to see how he'll react when the initiator of communication lands on his shoulders. Also to see what'd happen to me without having that constant communication there.

"It's been three days now" He is the type of guy that doesn't chase girls. He's too much like myself. When someone doesn't call or text me, I figure it's because they don't want to and I don't worry over it. The thing is, there are times when I want to text or call him, but I don't. He hasn't attempted to text or call me (that I know of) in the last three days. Now according to my logic that only means one thing: he doesn't want to talk to me or has no preference. Both of which, depending on how you look at it, aren't very good things.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt. I'd make excuses for him. "Well, he does work maybe he's busy." "Maybe he just doesn't have time." These are excuses I'd make for him when I attempted this a few weeks ago. Now, I don't care to make excuses. It doesn't take 20 seconds to text someone "Hay" or "How are you?" or "Haven't heard from you in a while, just checking to see if your still alive." Well that last one may take a little longer than 20 seconds. The thing is, it's not in Jordan's character to do that. Rarely does he text a girl first, with an exception to his girlfriend. He texts me first sometimes but that probably just because I'm his ex and he still has some resemblance of his feelings for me. You know, it doesn't really bother me that he doesn't take that 20 seconds to see if I'm alive.

Honestly, it's not bothering me as much as I make it seem. It actually feels good to go a few days without talking and know that I can pick up my phone and not text or call him, the urge may still be there but I don't feel the need to act on it. Sure I'm wondering how long it's going to take him to seek me out, but I'm interested to see what it is that he seeks me out for. If it'll be for his own benefit or just to see if I'm ok or to see if I want to hang with him. I doubtful I the last two but I've been proven wrong before.

You see, the thing is I don't really feel that connected to him any more. He feels like someone that meant so much to me and, for what ever reason, is slowly fading into the back ground. I can't promise anything but one thing that can be assured, I'm not over him--not by a long shot, but I'm getting there.

Until I'm able to move on,

___________________

P.S.

I've noticed a fatal flaw. I've noticed that too often females equate their own happiness with guys. If a girl is single she has to be looking for a guy or if a girl has a boyfriend the assumption is that she is happy. Of course the media and our society as a whole is responsible for putting this crazy ass notation in our heads that we can't be happy without a man. The truth is, true lasting happiness comes from within. Not from having a boyfriend or someone to call yours. I've found that having a guy can't make you happy if you aren't happy with who you are first.

One more thing... Women also have a tendency to base their beauty on what men think of them. Women should stop letting everyone else around us define beauty for us and define for ourselves. Of course like love, beauty is different for everyone so it will vary and come in all shapes and forms. I'm proud to say that I'm defining my own beauty, but that's a whole other blog.

Here's my v-card, Thanks for stopping by.

So this is it, my first blog and right now the only thing that I want most is for my g key to stop sticking. I suppose the reason why I made one of these is because I'm bored. After all why does anyone make a blog? Surely not because they honestly think that what they type is going to chane someones life, surely that's just wishful thinking.

Did I mention that I really like this font?

We all feel as if we have something to say, a story to tell. It makes me wonder why we, as humans, make such a big ass fuss about it. I mean eventually everything will turn to dirt and you're 50 year biography is blooming flowers and weeds. Maybe that's it, we all just want to make a pretty flower from the decaying matter of our carefully crafted lifestories. I really hope that my book is blooming scarlett carsons.

Did I mention that I'm just a wishful thinker?

I like to change things up every now and then. I hate to think that I'm simply following the same paths as those before me. The sad truth of it is that no matter which path that I take, it will bare the foot prints of someone who tread there before me. Sometimes I wish that I was born when everything in the world we know today was a budding seed so that I could honestly say, "I said this and it is unique."

Maybe we're all just wasting our time.

In the end, there isn't a meaning to life. If you ask me people who spend their whole lives trying to find the answer to it all, aren't wasting their time, but they must not be that bright because the answer is obvious. There isn't one, at least not one in the realms of human understanding. Science doesn't give us a answer, no matter how hard they try because they still can't tell me how to create and kill energy.

I guess I'll wrap this up.

I hope that if you are reading this you don't feel like you wasted your time. If you feel that this was worth while, hey come again! [: **digression** There's something about this smiley: [: that just makes me think of how amazing life is because if you look at it one way, it's smiling. However, if you flip the colon it's a sad face, that simple, that easy. One minute you're smiling and in less than a second your cutting your wrist and commiting suicide. I really love the irony in that.

Until the world ends,

_______________