Oh, Lonliness, please, stay a while. Tea?

I'm sorry, but talking to you right now is particularly painful for me and I'm not entirely sure but I know that it is. My eyes are wet and dry right now and it's weird... I wish... I wasn't where I am right now. I don't want to be dead but I don't want to be alive either. I'd rather be sitting somewhere between that. It's like a ache. A dull throbbing ache.

This obsession..

stop, pause but never rewind or fast ward

it's all about this moment

leave the past and present where they lay

just stop this moment,

don't let it continue.

please...

I don't want what we had

and I'm afraid of what may happen

patch me up, cover this gapping hole

just let me be still

I love being vulnerable.. being open to it all because once you're in this position the options are limitless. It's like an emotional drug.. I want it, crave it, I want someone to be there to make me vulnerable so they can take a piece of me and run with it. Hurt me, please?

A Little Lost

Come a little closer, look me in the eye. I don't want to be afraid to go there. To drop every wall and bear it all. I want to fearlessly undress in front of him and leave myself open to curious exploration. I want to be touched on parts of me that have grown dusty and forgotten. I want someone to understand me on the level that I can barely understand. Open, like a flower in full bloom. Ready and waiting for pollinating bees to carry pieces of me with them and spread it to the world.

But I get weak, I get weary. At times I fear that no one is willing to get that close to me because doing so would involve the same nakedness. It's almost as if we're programmed to guard ourselves from the world and even those that we love. Often times as humans we're so dishonest with ourselves we grow to believe the lies. My mother always told me that humans were not meant to be alone, we are designed for it. Even physically, we're built to be with another human being.

Fear. What is there to fear? A few moments of unbearable sadness or a possible lifetime of happiness? That question, I suppose, could go both ways. A few moments of true happiness or a lifetime of unbearable sadness?

[The Truth]: The bottom line is, we all just want someone to hold us. Someone to be there for us when the world seems to have turned its back on us. We need someone to be there. We spend ourselves (whether we know it or not) searching for that one person or people. A lot of us post pone it, hold it off, reasons may vary but when it's late at night and they're laying alone something inside of then calls for a companion.

[The Ugly Truth]: In our search for "the one" too often do we mistake people that are only mean to be in our lives for a moment with those who are meant for a lifetime. Once we've left ourselves completely open and end up with nothing but memories, a broken spirit, and emotional wounds that sometimes never heal. After undergoing such unbearable sadness it is no surprise why many people prefer to be alone. It's better to be alone and content because no one can hurt you if you don't allow then to get close enough. This, creates the fear.

[The Risk] After all, what do you have to lose? It's only your heart and momentary happiness.

Hanging High

Conceit. I'm watching myself. Sometimes I like what I see other times it's a different story. I've noticed myself do and say things that seem as though I am the most confident person in the world. So much so that, while watching myself, I almost start to believe it. Why? I ask myself, why do I do this? It seems as though I put on this facade because I want someone to notice and agree so that maybe I'm not just lying to myself.
Am I pretty? Really? You agree? Then why don't you love me? Sometimes I feel a bit lost. My mind goes blank because there are too many things flying through my mind. It's like a blizzard or a static television screen. I want it. I want a relationship, a real one. I'm not ashamed to admit that sometimes I get lonely. It's comforting to know that there is someone else out there that knows me on a level that I can only share with them. That they are familiar with a part of me that is foreign to everyone else. I want to give that to someone, I really do.
It hurts, please, make it stop. I'm afraid to give it away. It'll make me vulnerable and open to everything I'd hope I'd left behind.

Who am I? Evolutions.

[?-?-2006]
I'm from the dark side of the moon
From hardships and easy goings
From sunshine and rain
I am from fried chicken and macaroni

I am from the 70's, 80s, and the 90s
I am from Queen, Falloutboy, and AFI
From my room where I live in books
From posters and TV
I'm from home

I am laughs and cries
From helping and helped
From karaoke and gamecube where I
visit bikini bottom to the racing streets of Tokyo
From wondering about the universe and getting distracted
by shiny things
I am ME.

[7-8-2007]
I am from late nights
filled with music
I am from song lyrics
I am from random
sayings and facts
from converse and hats
I am as dark as the onyx
I wear on my finger
I'm from anime
and cooky weird friends
I am from starlit skies
I am from different walks
of life
From my experiences and observations
I m the chick that nobody
knows, yet
I am an open book
I am from contradictions
and reassurance
I am the happiness bunny
I am the gray slate
filled with colorful dots
I am from the ankh
I am the symbol of life


[7-14-2008]
I am from deviance with an angelic smile
I'm from penny candy and crossed fingers
From musical notes and "All you need is love"
I am untamed happiness and emotions
I am from hypocrisy and judgments
I am not ashamed of who I am
or what I've become.
I am the smile that glitters eternally
and tears of fallen rhinestones
I am from friends in high and low places
I am everything I want, but less than I need
I am one giant song, loud and silent
I am from riding in the passenger seat
whatever it is you want me to be
I am taking control of my life
I am holding the wheel without a license

[11-28-2009]
I am the flower of heart break, almost fully bloomed.
I am the death of innocence, and the rebirth of youth
I'm astounded by the sheer irony of :] and ]:
I am amazed by simplicity, a concept I have yet to grasp.
I am unwilling responsible and irritably "adult-ish"
I am the A's, B's, and one or two C's of my college career.
I'm a tension headache of tears and half smoked black n milds
I'm beautifully beautiful, yet ugly to the extreme
I am a nice person at heart, really.
I am the uneven notes that plague WTF?
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me.
I wake up exhausted, tired, confident.
I am unwillingly finding myself.

Take This to Heart

It still hurts.
It feels as if my heart is a pot that is boiling over and the words that come wave after wave seem to disappear when they hit the shores of my mind. The thought of the loose ends that must be cut makes me feel like a violin with too many broken strings. Beautiful, yet not completely useful. I've held my composer and stood like a solider, but my heart is becoming weary.

I must continue on in the absence of you.
I'm sorry.

Writing a Cult

I had something write when I opened this blog, now I feel like it's alluded me.

[He acts a bit weird sometimes when it's just he and I; like he'll get really quiet for a while and then pull me into this really tight hug (like he doesn't want me to go hug).] Maybe the truth to this statement is that I don't want him to let me go. It's a mixture of emotions. My initial reaction to these hugs are ones of surprise, I'm never sure what to do but to hug him back.

[They have a drink called Anne Rice that I can't wait to get because, just like her books, I'll probably never finish it.] So there's this cafe that I've been itching to go to, but the only thing that's stopping me is myself. Honestly I don't think I'm cool enough to go there just yet, it doesn't feel right. Right now I'm not where I want to be, I'm not who I want to be just yet. I want to go there the new and improved Tyka, with 2 piercing, and really cool looking scarves. Before you know it I'll be smoking Marlboro 27’s on occasion. I'll have cool friends who know things, and we can share our knowledge. All of a sudden my random bits of information won't be useless. They'll be life changing. Before I know it people will be reading my blogs, and I'd go there to write them.

I'll meet a really nice guy there. He'll be tall and wear glasses. He'll be sweet and enjoy nice conversations; he'll love my hair. We'll sit and talk about things like our favorite authors and what we enjoy doing when we aren't beating dead horses. We'd swap music libraries and be amazed at how similar our music tastes are. One day he'll buy me an Ernest Hemmingway. I'll come on poetry night and he'll get on stage for the first time. Shaking and nervous he'll rattle off three simple lines:

Her curls make me smile,
Her lush lips make me quiver,
Her eyes set in mine.

I'll clap, as everyone else snaps. One day, he'll come and pick me up from school and he'll meet my ex. Hand around my waist, he'll smile and be kind, and kiss my forehead letting him know "she's mine". We'd walk away, hand and hand. His insecurities will mirror my own; we’ll both suffer from an inner love hate relationship. He’ll know just what to say at all the wrong times, and occasion get it right. We’ll forget promises we made to each other, but remember everything insignificant. His timing will be just as horrible as mine, and together we’ll laugh too soon and every once in a while five minutes late.

Together we can walk like slackers with a place to go, yet no where we really need to be. I’ll have a small green dinosaur on my wrist; he’ll have one on his waist just above the hip bone, because that’s my favorite spot. We’d hang out on campus and together make our through all the fruit smoothies on the menu at Robeks. Afterward we’d go back to where it all began. We'll be a match made in heaven.

Hitting the Ground

I've made up my mind, and the decision has been made, however I still find myself lingering in our long ago forgotten love. I remember when we met at my back fence for the first time, I couldn't stop smiling. I remember when you pushed me onto my bed and went to kiss me, I couldn't stop shaking. I remember when you'd have to leave and I'd never want to let you go, I couldn't stop hugging you. I remember when just being near you made me nervous and self conscious, I couldn't stop staring at you. I remember when you asked me if I wanted to go out with you, my heart nearly exploded from joy. I remember when we skipped school for the first time, I couldn't have been happier.
I can't stop loving you.
I can't help but to think of our relationship and analyze it step by step. Trying to find where we could have possibly went wrong. A part of me just can't seem to figure out how something so wonderful could turn into something so different. I have no clue as to how you really feel, I can only speculate and guess. I'm afraid to ask you because I don't think I'll get my answer. I'm not sure how I feel right now. So I'm going to end this.